Ramblings of a WEIRDO.

Reflection.

I don’t know what to do anymore.

I don’t know what to expect.

I don’t know what’s gonna happen.

And for the first time in a long time, I’m genuinely scared.

It seems that everything around me is going through some kind of change. Everything I once loved is being ripped from within my grasp. Family, friends, people in general. It seems as if I can trust no one. Everyone is drastically being separated from me. Nothing seems sacred anymore. Not privacy, not friendship, not promises, not respect. It’s a horrible feeling, being aware.

It’s my senior year in high school. So why am I not having fun. I look to my left, to my right. Everyone is having fun. Why can’t that be me? I bet I’m like the only person not to have had fun at the Senior Picnic. I bet I’m the only person senior that attended the picnic and isn’t in the traditional group picture. Could it be that I’m secluding myself?

I find that I keep being told the same thing. And every time I hear it, it’s like I die a little inside. As cliched as that may sound, it holds true. My Summer Search mentor repeatedly asks me “Why are you on this self-destructive path you are on?” And all I can do is silently sniffle on the phone, trying hard to conceal my sadness. I struggle to steady my breathing, urging myself to stop quivering. It never works.

I’ve always been good at hiding my feelings, my emotions. I do this because they are seldomly happy ones. So why are they starting to show up? They have never before been so difficult to contain. I wonder if my metaphorical dam of emotions is about to burst. Maybe I have pushed everything down so much, that i can’t put anything in any longer. Maybe it’s like Tetris. Maybe I just need to organize them within me. But what scares me is the fact that if it is like Tetris, the blocks are approaching the top. Everyone knows what that means: Game Over.

I don’t want that. I don’t know what it’s like. I don’t know how many lives I have left. What if after this, there will be something totally different? How do I know when this “game over” will occur? Is it when I finally go off on someone? When I go against my nature of avoiding awkward situations and just let loose and start screaming? That’s what scares me.

And it’s not even just that. Add on the pressures of high school: Social life, college, standardized tests, jobs, HOME?

It seems as though I can’t seem to find any refuge against any of this. Why is there no safe haven out there for me? And if there is, why is there no beacon of light to point it out to me? I figure I’ve searched enough.

There is also that self consciousness that I’ve carried on with me throughout the whole of my existence. I’m never comfortable. I feel as though all eyes are on me, criticizing me, judging me. I don’t know what to do. I find that I often try to anticipate any criticisms of this sort and just end up criticizing myself more than anyone would even think about devoting that much time to doing so. So here’s the million-dollar question: WHY? Why any of this?

Why can I no longer hide my feelings? Why do I procrastinate so, bent on doing these pointless things that I know won’t get me anywhere? Especially when I KNOW there are so many other things I should be doing. Why am I such a downer all of a sudden? Why do I criticize myself so harshly? Why do I lack so much self control? Why do I not have any discipline? Why do I lie to myself? Why do I lie in general? Why do I make promises to better myself, only to disappoint myself and make myself feel like absolute crap? Why do I seek out the impossible? Why do I look for attention? And approval, for that matter. Why do I find that I contemplate suicide, but find that I am too much of a coward to follow through? Why am I a coward, in general?

Alas, I’m just rambling, now.. Time to try to find some kind of inner peace. Or harmony. Or at least fake it…. Time to get back to trying to do homework.. Maybe a jog will help.. Haven’t done that in months..