Ramblings of a WEIRDO.

Venting? Oh yes.

As of late, nothing seems to be going well. At all.

Honestly, it seems like there is so much to do, and yet there is so little time. And it’s not even that. It’s all the other things going on in life that make it worse to concentrate on what has to be done. It’s like… the whole world’s out to get me. And when I say that, it includes people from different countries. So there. It holds more truth for me than it does for most people.

I don’t even know where to start.. Right off the top of my head, I guess, I’ll start with this afternoon.. Get ready for some ranting/venting. :/

So I get out of school. I go to my locker. Can is nowhere to be found. Lovely. So I decide to walk with Jordan. I talked with her about a lot of stuff. Seems like we have some things in common. She walked me to the bus stop and I predicted that the bus would get there in a couple of seconds. I was right. Jordan is pretty awesome.

I get on the bus. Just as I expected, it was full as hell. Ugh. It reminded me of those lovely FRESHMEN who are so fucking stupid and retarded from last week. Here’s what happened:

I get on the bus and sit next to Ramone on the bus. Danielle decides to stand. There are these loud-ass ghetto little freshmen girls sitting within a couple of feet of us. One gets in and sees me. She starts laughing.

For some reason unbeknownst to me, it’s pretty normal for people to laugh at my lip now.

So she starts laughing. And pointing. And whispering. Like I don’t know you’re talking about me.. Then, her friend, who had SOME sense of respect, tells her, “stop laughing. It’s not funny. That’s fucked up.”

To which the girl responds, “I’m not laughing at that. It’s something outside the window.”

Really? REALLY? I’ve had to go through this for longer than you’ve been fucking alive. I KNOW when you’re talking about me.

So I ignore it. It’s harder for Danielle to let it slide, but she does it. Thanks, you’re a sweetheart. So we go through the bus route, listening to them being loud and obnoxious and ugh.

So I try to make conversation with Ramone. He asks me about all the Senior activities. So I start talking about Senior This and Senior That. Then I’m interrupted by—you guessed it—the freshmen.

“Fuck Seniors,
Fuck Juniors,
Fuck Sophomores,
It’s all about the freshman.”

BITCH [and I don’t use this word at all when referring to women], shut the FUCK up and calm your ass DOWN! Besides, is that the best you can come up with??

Ugh. Whatever. I get off the bus with a sour taste in my mouth in relation to freshmen.

So I hate freshmen.

I get home and, SURPRISE! My uncle is on the computer. Honestly?? The one day I’m determined to get home and do my homework. And I can’t. He’s on there, chatting, reading junk mail, looking stuff up for his friend, trying to print stuff out on a printer that has NO ink. Dude, stop trying to date online. You’re fucking annoying as hell with all your social websites and porn sites. That’s right. It’s called clearing your damned browser history. I don’t do it and even I know how to get around it. So he finally gets off. He has me looking up some stuff. Okay, but just because I get the computer.

I get on meebo to check my MSN Messenger. Can’s online. I’m supposed to help him with homework. Almost as soon as I log on, “Yayy! He’s there!” Can’s awesome. Then my sister gets dropped off by Vivian. Might as well go say hi. I step outside for a couple of minutes. I look inside the house and my uncle’s right back on the computer. Shit, dude. Enough’s enough.

I say bye and head back to the house. My uncle’s gone. But my brother has taken his place. They fucking closed the meebo window. My brother’s trying to check his MSN. He has no e-mails. No one’s online. I could’ve fucking told you that.

I kick him off and sign myself in. I start talking to Can. It’s like all he wants is for me to help him with/do his work. Okay, it’s whatever. I need to distract myself and it’s US History. No big deal. I tell him to go talk to someone else while I look up the needed information, and he says he wants to talk to me. I check my facebook chat and don’t see any of our mutual friends online. All his MSN contacts are like 10 time zones away, so I ask him if it’s just because of the fact that no one else is online. “No comment x)”

Can’t fool me.

I make nothing of it. I help him with his work. Then he says he’s thirsty. That he wants a cold drink. With alcohol… Really?? I’m not exactly the right person to comment that to. Then my dad get’s home. My sister’s about to cook. She tells my dad the cheese went bad. Expiration date: July something. Nice. My dad starts going off about how he’s always buying food and we don’t eat anything and that he should just use his money on beer. My sister walks to the kitchen just in time. I’m stuck here, forced to listen to him go on and on and on. I really hate alcohol.

I mean, I grew up terrorized of my dad, afraid that one day, he would become so drunk, he’d beat the living daylights out of me. I’ve always been the least favorite child of the three. It’s something I wouldn’t wish on anyone. Then Can says that he like sex on the beach, after I tell him I don’t really care for alcohol. I simply respond “Okay.” He tells me it’s a drink. I respond with a quick “I know.”

Meanwhile my dad is still ranting on about how we don’t eat anything AND about how I’m lazy. And I don’t do anything. And that you can’t expect me to even do the fucking dishes. And he’s telling my brother this loud enough for me to hear, even though my brother is right next to him. Fucking shit, man.

I get really pissed off and as a result, I take it out somewhat on Can, accidentally making him feel guilty when I post on facebook about how I hate alcohol. He tries to clarify that he only drinks at parties. Then he tells me that his father was also an alcoholic. I told him it was all good. To not worry about it. He thinks that I just don’t want to know about his family. All I want is a SUBJECT CHANGE, PLEASE.

So then he gives me the next question that involves the Mexican American War. One that clearly asks for “the events from the text to support your answer.”

“Did you read the chapter?”
“What chapter?”
“The one about the Mexican American War.”
“Yeah. But I didn’t really understand it.”
“What do you remember?”
“Okay, here’s the truth. I didn’t really read.”

I got upset. It’s Paulina all over again, possibly. My favorite. I just finished the questions and told him I’d stop bugging him. I felt like shit for kinda going off on him.

He says he’s I’m not annoying him. He asks about my homework. PSHHHH… Not even close to being finished. He feels bad for having distracted me. It’s cool. I don’t care. He apologizes and then totally gets offline. Or he blocks me. One or the other.

I go to the bathroom and then I come back to my sister on the computer. Shit, man. Honestly??

I feel like shit from then on. Like I can’t do anything at home. Like I have no me space.

I remember what’s going on with my friend in the DR. I’ve really gotta stop wearing the ivory sun necklace. Maybe later.

I go outside. I decide the best way to get away from emotional pain is to cause myself physical pain. I bang my head against a truck a couple times…. Like 16.

I come back in. EVERYONE SEEMS TO BE HAVING A SHITTY WEEK. With Facebook updates like “my days keep getting worse by the day.” It only deepens my depression. I wonder what it’d be like if I’d not been born. Or if I died. Or if there was something I could do to harm myself in a way that I have to be hospitalized for weeks.

I remember the fact that my dad doesn’t really want me to go out of the state to Columbia University in NYC. He suggests Stanford in Palo Alto or CCC in San Pablo. Hmm.. No East Coast suggestions?? It’s whatever. Till further notice, I’ve got my heart set on Columbia.

Then thinking about universities, I start thinking about… Money. Shit. Shit. Shit. I need a job.

At this point, the only thing keeping me sane/from doing those things I wish I could do to myself is music. MUSE, to be more exact. UPRISING, to be even more precise. Muse reminds me that people can be deep in thought, as opposed to the modern day average Joe, who’s normal thought process is extremely shallow. Like that of freshmen. God, Uprising is sooo good. It’s electrifying. I love it. I love Muse. I love Music. Period. I’ve also decided that that’s how I’m going. Music-related death.

There’s a lot more to say, but I should cut it now…. Don’t wanna intimidate anyone out of reading this, now do I? Or maybe I do.